It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
