Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Are my feet made of real feet?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
