don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
These tits shall not be calmed
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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