all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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