now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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