Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
