i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
