She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
