your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
