At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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