and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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