I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
