First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You are a genius and a whore.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
