i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
