After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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