it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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