Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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