his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
