I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
