apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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