My liver just broke up with me...
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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