i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
