I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
