GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
