Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
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