I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
