listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
