Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
he thought i was a dude.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
