Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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