she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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