Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
