you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
