....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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