You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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