Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
two words: eviction party
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
