i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
