I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
