I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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