So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
whose parrot is this?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize