bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize