she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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