I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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