Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
You left your phone here
Wait...
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
