You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
