Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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