Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
