got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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