so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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