I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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