The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Swine flu is the new snow day.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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