What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
