another moral hangover. fuck.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
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