the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
