I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
