Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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