Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
