I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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