Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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