I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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