Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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