Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
where are my eyebrows?
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