dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
